…And Guest

Hopefully this makes someone laugh. Or at least chuckle or smirk.

It has to be the most frightening phrase the single person can read. Family weddings: causes of ulcers and attempted suicides for the unattached entering their third decade or later, since at least the dawn of time.

Especially as a twenty-something, the addition of the and guest on the invitation is the sign of acceptance by the older gerneration. You have graduated from the kid table to the binge-drinker table, filled with a perfect, round compliment of similarly aged guests-and-dates you slightly know and will end up discussing alcohol for the better part of dinner because it's the only thing you all have experienced that is acceptable to talk about, as sex, politics and religion are totally taboo at such ceremonies.

When you're single, it's tempting to go stagweddings are great places to meet girls, right? Think again. The fool that denies the invitation, relegates himself to the odd-man-out table, of only-child cousins, spinster post-fifty aunts and other lone souls who will silently poke at their food until allowed to get up and socialize with their own sets. And what do you do, pray tell, when you're dancing (reminiscient of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz) with your mother, sisters and cousins and Nelly comes on?

So the choice is not the Lady or the Tiger, or Devil You Know against the Devil You Don't: it's an entire smorgasboard of equally painful options, of which your only decision is when you want to suffer (before, during, or after the event) and to what degree. The options usually encompass some or all of the following:

The Ex

The Ex is well-known and, to your chagrin, well-liked by the entire extended family, making her the most obvious choice. Few realize in time, however, the irony of bringing this person you are now sure not to marry. This conflict will invariably lead to passive-aggressive verbal combat throughout the event, and usually a slew of mixed-up emotions and signals afterwards. Mixing an ex and drinking is also a very dangerous combination.

The Just Friend

Usually an ex from at least a three relationships past or someone else where one or both of you is in no way attracted to the other. The Just Friend is someone you get along well with. Ninety-nine percent of the people present, however, will not know them, so be prepared for constant company. Of those that have met The Just Friend previously, 1 in 3 will always have known the two of you would get together (which is what everyone will assume, of course, so forget about flirting with the bride's sorority sisters or other friends. As far as this wedding is concerned, you're taken). Watch your drinks here too: weddings are prone to evoke latent emotions that will cause worse headaches than hangovers the next day.

The Potential

Probably the best way to bring about the most awkward conversations way too early in a relationship. As the tears start welling and talk comes to buns-in-the-oven, what exactly do you say to that person you're just trying to get to know? They're weighing your cuteness against your answers here, but odds are you haven't gotten them figured out for yourself yet. You're going to be deflecting questions with the gusto of Scott McClellan all night.